Gone Too Soon
Like the passing of a loved one who's been under intensive care for a while, yesterday's official notice of the cancellation of Melrose Place 2.0 was inevitable but heart-wrenching nonetheless.
When the original Melrose Place series debuted in 1992 it took a while to gain its footing and secure an audience but it was given the time to grow and turn into the pop culture icon it is today. It was renewed for a second season and continued to entertain audiences for 7. Melrose Place 2.0 wasn't given that same chance. Instead, after a single season it was canceled, yet shows like 7th Heaven, One Tree Hill and Smallville continue on into double digit seasons. Seriously, Clark Kent hasn't figured out all of his powers yet? Jesus, just give him the damn red and blue suit and get it over with already.
The CW should have done with MP 2.0 what they did with the 90210 remake. They brought in some of the original cast at the beginning to appeal to the older viewers and then developed the new characters they had. The old cast members were brought back during sweeps week to raise ratings. No one wants to see Donna Martin's face on the new 90210 week after week. Instead, MP 2.0 had both major storylines of the season focus far too heavily on original characters Dr. Michael Mancini, Sydney Andrews and Amanda "I buy my Botox in bulk and use it all in one sitting" Woodward. Having Heather Locklear show up in nearly every episode is probably what scared away half your original audience.
The other half had already been scared away by Ashlee Simpson-Wentz' horrendous acting (and I use the term loosely here) "skills". Really CW, what were you thinking? I get that Ashlee and her nose 2.0 are pretty but did you not notice that the girl cannot act? At all! MP 2.0 needed a red-headed crazy bitch in the vain of Kimberly Shaw but Mrs. Simpson-Wentz was not it. You could have done so much with a certifiable crazy bitch on the show and you missed your mark by leaving her on too long.
Melrose Place could have been the west coast answer to Gossip Girl. They were the first television show to regularly mention tweets and status updates, just what today's youth are talking about. I could not care less about Oprah's No Phone Zone campaign but hearing PR agent Ella Sims say that she gave up texting while driving was the first and only thing that actually made me put down my phone while driving.
You had a great formula. An established older fan base ready for a remake, gorgeous 20-somethings living in apartments whose square footage would make any person jealous, and one of, if not the, best television show soundtracks I have ever heard. The music on MP 2.0 wasn't the finger on the pulse of pop culture, it was the actual heartbeat of it. Week after week MP 2.0's soundtrack introduced us to hits that we would then continue to hear on the radio and television for weeks to come. The beginning of the second episode was the first time I heard Ke$ha's "Tik Tok". Say what you want about the crazy, white trash version of Lady Gaga but it's been 8 months and not a week has gone by where I haven't heard that song played on the radio or some commercial.
What am I going to do with my Tuesday nights now that I no longer have Katie Cassidy's sass to entertain me? How will I continue my life in the fall without knowing if Doctor-by-day/hooker-by-night, Lauren and Thief with a heart of gold turned restaurant owner, David will be able to make their relationship work? And most importantly where will I now go to get regular views of Nick Zano's sexy as all hell abs? Tell me that, all-knowing CW execs! Where will I get that now? Boo on you CW execs, boo on you for not having the foresight and patience to know what a great series and pop culture phenomenon Melrose Place 2.0 could have turned in to had you just given it the time to grow.
RIP Melrose Place 2.0, you were taken from us too soon.
For any adult who dares to judge my television viewing habits yet watches a certain Gilligan's Island re-imagining where people run around an island hiding from a smoke monster I say to you - Ya motha! Now with that said feel free to leave comments and tell your friends about this blog.
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This week the entire Internet has been all over Greyson Michael Chance, the 12 year old singing sensation who covered Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi", posted it on YouTube and was on national television 3 days later. The second real YouTube star, following Antichrist Justin Bieber, to earn immediate fame and a record deal from YouTube. I give Greyson props though, the kid can sing like nobody's business. He's definitely got talent. Hopefully he won't fall prey to the same overproduced beats on top of which the Biebs sings "Baby" 18 times in a row and calls a chorus.
I'd like to point your attention to another YouTube "star" though. For every Justin Bieber and Greyson Michael Chance there are thousands upon thousands of people who don't get the same attention or success. It's one of these YouTube unsung heroes to which I'd like to introduce you to today. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Timmy Dumot.
I'm a full-grown adult and I don't know the lyrics like this kid does. I would also never have the balls to dance around in front of people in an outfit 3 sizes too small, much less to let it be videotaped. Timmy may not have the talent, voice or side-swept bangs that Justin and Greyson have but he does have heart. Timmy doesn't miss a beat even when his parents try and sneak into the spotlight by providing some unneeded backup vocals and pants-less backup dancing. He can do the back-up harmonizing for himself (03:51). At 03:33 Timmy breaks it down, takes it to the floor and shows us just how fierce a grade-schooler can be. I applaud you, Timmy. When I was your age and singing Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" I didn't put as much heart and soul into my performances as you do.
Keep your head up, little man. Justin Timberlake didn't win when he was on Star Search but that just left the door open for him to join the Mickey Mouse Club. You may have not have gotten yourself a record deal from this video but you have definitely secured a spot in my heart and in the hearts of tens or even dozens of others. Just keep that budding diva attitude in check until you really make it big. Then you can create an alter-ego and have him dish out the Sasha Fierce attitude to your parents when they're ruining the video.
Lady Gaga performed for years in bars and clubs before she gained worldwide success. For now just focus on your craft, find your own Mama Knowles to dress you properly and keep on letting that light shine bright Timmy.
Bieber Fever
Earthquakes, floods, disease and famine - all signs that the end times are upon us. Most major political or cultural figures throughout history have been pinpointed as a potential for being the Antichrist, foretold in the Book of Revelations, who will come forth to bring armageddon. Biblical scholars to your regular run of the mill crazy Christian fanatic have all tried to name who the Antichrist will be. George W. Bush, Mahmound Ahmadinejad, Prince Charles, the Pope, President Obama and even Oprah have all been accused of being the Antichrist. I now give you a new name to consider - Justin Drew Bieber.
Could Justin Bieber be the Antichrist? Is this blonde, cherub-faced teenager really the disguise of The Beast? Look at the signs. He came out of nowhere, rose to power and now has thousands of loyal followers who are ready and willing to follow the instructions of his every tweet. Yes, biblical scholars have said that the Antichrist would be a political figure but a simple comparison of the turnout for the last presidential election vs. American Idol voting will show you it's clear that America is really run by pop culture.
Come on, the first person to get a recording contract, a platinum record, the ability to cause massive riots among teenagers and an invitation to the White House Correspondents' Dinner all from simply being a YouTube sensation and no one questions whether or not Satan was involved? Am I the only person to think some virgin sacrifices had to have gone down in order for him to rise as quickly as he did?
What about that signature hairstyle of his? Seems to me a person could easily be hiding something underneath that perfectly blow-dried mop of hair he's got going on. Perhaps something like the mark of the beast? Is the reason for his constant hair flipping really to hide the 666 mark on his forehead? I mean really, has anyone ever seen the Bieb's naked forehead? I haven't.
This week we saw but a glimpse of J. Bieb's power when he tweeted a picture of him and his "girlfriend", Kim Kardashian. She was instantly hit with death threats by throngs of prepubescent girls. A simple tweet from him ended it and Kim's life was spared. This 16-year-old's mere presence is enough to cause thousands of teens to riot and have malls shut down and concerts cancelled. What will we be in for when he turns 18 and comes into his full power? Bieber already controls Twitter. Do you know how hard it is to get on the trending topic list? Much less to consistently be in the top 10 week after week. If that's not a display of Lucifer's power then I don't know what is.
Is the "Bieber Fever" currently sweeping the nation actually the rising heat from the depths of hell coming forth to consume us all? You decide.
Dear throngs of prepubescent girls, I write jokes. If you have a death threat or comment to send my way then leave it here in the comment section.
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