When I Grow Up

I recently joined a Facebook group called "Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk". This pretty much sums up my life right now. If I'd followed the path that most of the cousins my age did, by now I'd be married with 4-5 kids or at the very least be working on my 2nd marriage. Instead I'm 29 with no kids and to my knowledge I haven't been legally married. There was one crazy New Year's Eve in Las Vegas but I haven't seen any signed papers so I'm pretty sure the marriage wasn't legally binding.

You'd think that since the countdown to my 30th birthday can now be measured in months rather than years I'd maybe start thinking of settling down, starting a family or at least have more than $4 in my account the day before payday. I've been late to work damn near everyday for almost a year. No one seems to notice other than the people in the cubicles in my immediate vicinity. A more responsible adult would arrive at work on-time even when the boss wasn't watching. Those responsible adults clearly don't know how good the extra 9 minutes of sleep that the snooze button provides are. It's been scientifically proven that those 9 extra minutes of sleep are the best sleep of the entire night so I like to hit the snooze button a good 3-4 times before I get up.

Will there ever be a day when I can listen to the Ying Yang Twins "Wait - The Whisper Song" and not lose my shit? I don't see that happening any time soon. There's just something about the lyrics and ridiculous amount of bass in that song that makes me wanna raise a glass and shake my ass. Grown men singing ... excuse me, whispering to a woman about how their entire existence will change once they see their penis sounds like the most ridiculous concept for a song ever. And granted it is, but there's just something about the power of this song that makes me wanna throw up my hands and do the dance that my friend Magda and I made up for it in college. There's just no stopping the power of that song.

Will I ever stop giggling when I see two boys kiss in public? Doubt it. You'd think that since I've been kissing boys since I was 13, I'd be more of an adult when I saw it out in public instead of giggling like a 2nd grader who just heard his teacher let one rip. The first time I saw this was at Penn Station on my first night in NYC. After I stopped giggling at the sight of two grown men kissing in public, I grew concerned for their safety. Surely, their cars would get keyed or their windows smashed. Then it hit me that I was concerned for nothing. This was the Big City, these guys probably didn't have cars anyway. My friends like to point out any male couple kissing or holding hands as we're walking on the streets of Manhattan just to hear my school girl giggle at the preposterousness of homosexuals roaming the streets free. I don't see this behavior of mine stopping anytime soon either, at least not while I still live in this podunk town.

One day when I am a grown-up I will figure out what I want to do with my life. I will arrive at work on time after having eaten a breakfast that did not consist of a bowl of Cocoa Krispies and/or Pop Tarts. I will pay my cable bill before Dish Network sends up a pop-up message on my screen asking for their money every two minutes until I either pay them or pop in a DVD. Most importantly when I'm an adult I will stop roaming the aisles of Target singing the latest Ke$ha single for hours until my buzz off the Olive Garden wine wears off. One day ...

but not today.