California Gurls
It's that time of year again. Longer days, hotter nights, trips to the beach and late night bonfires have arrived. Summer is officially here and with that the summer anthem that will be bumped from the speakers of cruising cars everywhere. This summer, in California anyway, the anthem is Katy Perry's "California Gurls". The song is everything a summer anthem should be: upbeat, easily danceable and with a chorus that even the drunkest of summer party goers can easily sing along to.
Katy Perry wrote the song as the West Coast answer to Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind". Something current to show that California knows how to party. The problem with Katy's Ode to California though, was that she only focused on a specific type - the Southern California Girls, the beach bunnies in their daisy dukes and bikini tops. Where "Empire State of Mind" called out different types of New Yorkers, from the Dominicanos on Broadway, to the good girls gone bad, to those on the corner selling rock, "California Gurls" sticks to the stereotypical idea of a California girl. Now I'm not saying that they don't exist here in multitudes, but there are plenty of other types of California girls here that Katy could have sent a shout out to. How about calling out to the take-no-shit divas down on Crenshaw Blvd or up in Oakland, the field worker mamasita picking strawberries to flavor the popsicles you melt, or the chola with the hoop earrings riding around in her 1998 Honda Accord SE in East LA (or East Salinas for that matter). Move those electric blue bangs out of your eyes and take a look around, Katy, we have plenty of California Gurls for you to choose from.
Now I'm not totally knocking it. I still love the song and bump it from my car every time it's on and sing along. I just think being a native Californian herself, she could have done a better job of being an equal opportunity employer in her music. Where I have a serious problem is the video.
For all we know that video could have been shot in a warehouse with a green screen somewhere in Japan. Now I get that due to filming budgets and the high cost of blue wigs, record labels find cheaper places to film their videos, not always at the location they claim to be in. But could you have at least featured California in your video in some sort of fashion? Even the palm trees were made out of candy. Come on, Katy. REPRESENT! You know damn well the sort of budget mess we're in in this state. You could have gotten more tourism to our state by showing off the beauty we have to offer. Now all we're going to get is an influx of diabetics coming in to find the gummy bears that roam the streets.
A Candyland theme, Katy? Really? I'm all for pushing the envelope with your videos. Doing things outside the norm to keep raising that bar and giving us new and exciting videos but when your song talks about how beautiful the Golden Coast is, you could have at least featured it in there somehow. There is no California in that video anywhere and the idea is not even original. Fergie already did that theme, with a lot less CGI, in her "Fergalicious" video. Do your research, baby girl. I did. She even will.i.am to wear an oddly colored suit and everything.
Would you please do me and every Californian out here a favor re-shoot the video? You don't even need much money. Take a look at this homemade spoof called "California Gays" which even features a cameo by my future BFF, Guy Branum. It probably cost them all of $47 to make and they were able to make a great video and show off the true spirit of the state. Now these gays right here, they are true California Gurls who are fine, fresh, fierce and got it on lock.
Incarceration of a Teenage Drama Queen
In a barrage of glitter more likely found in a Mariah Carey video, Lindsay Lohan walked into a Los Angeles courthouse this morning and turned herself in to begin her 90 day sentence. Stripped of her jewelry, her designer clothes and her hair extensions, Lindsay was sent to an all-female prison in Lynwood, CA where she'll spend the majority of her day in an insolation unit, previously home to such delinquent celebutards as Paris Hilton and Michelle Rodriguez.
What I find most interesting about this is that she's now in the same jail as Alexis Neiers, currently serving 180 days for her involvement with the Hollywood "bling ring" and the robbery of such celebrities' homes as Orlando Bloom, Rachel Bilson and Lindsay Lohan.
Dun dun duuun.
Yes, Alexis is now in the same jail as the woman who's home she may or may not have helped burglarize. (Alexis plead no contest to the burglary of Orlando Bloom's home. I make no claims that she was actually at Lindsay's home. Jus' sayin', Mama Neiers. Jus' sayin'.) Personally I think that this could be just the thing they need to get their careers back on track. Or in the case of Alexis, get a career to begin with.
Think about it. Lindsay and Alexis coming together in jail to help protect each other from the mob of angry lesbians and lurds (lesbian until release date) who would love to get a taste of their sweet Hollywood poon. You know there is a Big Bertha or two who was overjoyed when she heard Lindsay and Alexis would be gracing the halls of her prison.
Imagine the possibilities afterwards. They could get an 8 episode special series on E! about life after imprisonment. They could call it "Pretty Wild: Living Life on the Outside". (TM, E! Entertainment. If you go through and make this series I demand producing credit.) They could star in their own Lifetime Movie of the Week detailing their life in the clink. We all know Alexis can cry on command. Remember the incident with the Vantiy Fair interview? "They weren't six inch Louboutins. THEY WERE LITTLE BROWN BOOTS!" Alexis would be perfect for a Lifetime movie.
If they really wanted to cash in on the whole jail experience they'd produce and star in their own porno movie. Picture it, Lindsay and Alexis getting close in their cell and releasing their pent-up frustrations on each other. The scene with the overzealous guard. Or the scene where Alexis' sister, Tess comes for a visit that quickly turns conjugal. Lindsay's already on her way to doing porn in the Linda Lovelace biopic "Inferno" and Alexis spends half of her time on Pretty Wild naked anyway. At least this way they could star and produce to make more money. (TM, Porn producers. If you go through and make this film I demand producing credit. I want my money delivered via PayPal. I ain't touching money or checks that you people in the porn industry have touched. Ya nasty.)
So listen up Lindsay and Alexis, it doesn't matter who stole what from who, or who was wearing what on which day or what went down at which exclusive party. What matters now is that the two of you need to stick together and help each other through this difficult time. When you come out you'll be stronger for it and America will want to know the truth! At least the part of America that regularly watches E!.
Don’t Cha
In case you, along with most of America, hadn't heard the Pussycat Dolls have a brand new lineup. The original girls are all gone, except Nicole, of course, replaced by a whole new set of booty-shakers whose names and faces you won't remember either.
Nicole Scherzinger initially joined the Pussycat Dolls because they were lacking a strong lead vocalist, which really means "The bitches we have can't carry a tune". Nicole had earlier been in the group Eden's Crush, which if you were a teenager in the hey-day of TRL like I was, you remember was put together on the reality competition show "Popstars" on the WB. The first Pussycat Dolls album was completely recorded by Nicole. She sang lead, backup and everything in between. In the videos the rest of the Dolls just lip-synched along. I know, a real shocker in today's pop music.
When the CW started airing Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For the Next Doll, I watched each week with great anticipation to find out who the next Doll would be. It wasn't widely publicized but the new Doll was being brought in to take Nicole's place as she would be leaving to record a solo album. Nicole's role in the Pussycat Dolls was originally meant to be a temporary one. A stepping stone to launch her career after the failure of Eden's Crush. The winner turned down her spot and Nicole's solo album never actually came out - even after releasing 4 singles. Sorry, Nicole but your first name is way too common for you to be known solely by it and your last name is too damn hard to pronounce. It's not like you could pull a Beyoncé and let people know "it rhymes with fianceé" when you first came out. In fact, you'd probably have better luck with a solo album if you actually went by the name Nicole From the Pussycat Dolls. Let's face it, that's what you're forever going to be known as anyway. Just own it already. Do you think we would give a rat’s ass about Stefani Germanotta if she hadn’t taken the stage name Lady Gaga? No! We would have just said that chick with the weird name sure dresses funny and kept it moving.
The back-up Dolls grew tired of Nicole's preferential treatment in the group and were eventually thrown out for clashing with her. The official reason being "they left to pursue solo careers". Hate to break this to you ladies, but you won't have any. I mean, really, did any of you think that you were in the PCD because of your singing talent? Hell, after watching the Pussycat Dolls workout video for 20 minutes I had the dance moves to the entire chorus of "Don't Cha" memorized. Given a hot body, a fierce weave and another X-chromosome I could have been the next Pussycat Doll.
I'm not trying to kick you when you're down but let's face facts - You were put together as a group then someone else was brought in to record THE ENTIRE ALBUM. Did you not think something was off at that point? You were brought in because all of you were pretty and could dance. Remember back in 2008 when redheaded vixen Carmit Bachar left to record her solo album? Yeah, neither does anyone else.
I Wanna Be a Billionaire
I've been slacking on the blogging lately. What can I say? First I came down with a case of World Cup Fever. Waking up at 5am to be at the bar by 7am to cheer on your team, and more importantly jeer the opposing one, takes a toll on you. After that I was busy being "Tío Ando" to my 4 nieces and earning my status as #1 World's Greatest Uncle. When you spend 11 full days taking the teenager to get her first manicure, playing Wii Batman & Robin with the 8 year old, teaching the 3 year old to say words like "fierce" and "trifling", and making up songs for the 4 month old that included me calling her a cross-eyed monkey baby, you don't have much time for anything else.
Mostly though I've come down with a severe case of summer Idon'tgiveafuckitis. Every year around the time the days get longer, the nights hotter and your lunch break errand time doubles because of all the teenagers shenanigating in your way slowing you down, I tend to get this attitude of "Oh fuck everything." I blame the fact that adults don't get summer vacation. I want to have 3 months off to do nothing but chillax, bump the latest summer anthems from my car while driving to the beach to work on my tan. Or even better, I'd like to win the lottery so that I can have the time and money to do those things year round.
Just like Travie McCoy sings in his new single, I, too, want to be a Billionaire so freakin' bad and buy all of the things I never had. On top of the shopping sprees, the amazing brownstone overlooking Central Park, and traveling the world and brunching in a different city every day, I also have a few things that I'd do with my money that may seem a little out of the ordinary to some.
First of all, I'd hire a personal trainer to get me into the best shape possible. Not just any ol' personal trainer you could get at a gym. No, I want to hire choreographer, LaurieAnn Gibson, from Making the Band 3 fame. LaurieAnn has choreographed the movie Honey and Lady Gaga's recent video hits Paparazzi, LoveGame, Bad Romance, Telephone and Alejandro. Throughout the seasons leading up to the formation of Danity Kane, LaurieAnn trained and worked the girls into lean, mean, synchronized dancing machines. I want to hire LaurieAnn to teach me to dance as if I were a contestant on Making the Band 3. I want her to mold my body and make me worthy of being the next member of Danity Kane, assuming the band were still together and took men. I want her to yell "boom, boom, kack" at me while I learn the latest hip thrust and booty pops. I'd also like cameras there so that I can look into them and give my "confessional" about how hard I've been working on learning the dance moves and how badly I want to be in the band. They don't actually have to record me, I'd just like a camera there to talk into.
The second thing I'd do if I were a billionaire is become Batman. Well no, not the actual Batman, that's been done. I'd be a hotter, skankier version of a crime-fighting vigilante. (Think a manly Catwoman.) I'd travel the world to brunch and learn mad ninja skills which would aid me in my fight against crime. Being a billionaire would ensure that I have enough money for all of the latest crime fighting gadgets and outfits that'd be housed in a secret room in my New York City brownstone. I'd kick some serious ass with the style and fierceness of Scarlett Johansson in Ironman 2. And I'd ride around fighting crime on a motorcycle.
'Cause every self-respecting, leather clad, sexy crime-fighting billionaire should have a motorcycle.
Eclipse – The Gay Vampire Movie
I'd mentally prepared myself for it this time. I had a game plan and was sticking to it. I went up to the ticket counter and asked for "one for the gay vampire movie". (I actually asked for it that way. I have witnesses.) I'd read the first book, saw the first movie and hated them both. I attempted to read the second book, listen to the audio version and just gave up. I'd seen New Moon two weeks prior and spent the majority of the time checking on my friends' Facebook statuses or playing with my niece. This night I walked in to the theater with a water bottle carrying tequila and was going to have a good time watching the latest Twilight installment, "Eclipse". I'd gone in with the mindset of "I'm solely going to judge and have a good time doing it."
4 shots of Patron Silver couldn't make that movie interesting for me. The movie was a new form of terrible - it was turrible.
I would like my money back. No, for real. I want my $9. I don't want them from the movie theater, studio execs or the cast. I want my $9 to come from the person who was responsible for the horrible choice in wigs for the movie. Come on. The Twilight movies have made damn near a babillion dollars and you couldn't spring for a better wig for Bella? I get that Kristen Stewart chopped all her hair off to film "The Runaways" with Dakota Fanning so that film could go and make $16.75 but you could have done a better job of choosing a wig for her. Why didn't you talk to anyone involved with the making of Chris Rock's "Good Hair"? They could've helped you out. That hairline of hers wasn't the slightest bit believable and I couldn't help but stare at it the entire film. I'd sooner believe that a gay vampire, a 'roided up werewolf and a portion of the Forks high school male population were fighting over her pasty-white emo ass than that that was her natural hair. Bella and her horrible wig spent the entire movie just like the previous two installments. Mopey faced, crying about how much she loves Edward and how her entire existence was solely to pine over his melanin-deprived bony ass. Alright already. We get it.
The only part where I was remotely interested in the movie was when Edward and Jacob are in the tent talking to each other while Bella is sleeping. I thought the movie makers were going to throw in a twist and we'd be watching some Brokeback Mountain action go down but alas, all they did was talk about how they loved Ms. I'm-incapable-of-smiling-like-a-human-being-even-in-real-life.
Several people have told me that I should focus on Taylor Lautner and his chiseled abs to help get me through the movie. (Now that he's of legal age I can feel free to comment on his body. Justin Bieber, I'll talk to you on March 1, 2012) Yes, Taylor Lautner makes me want to go old-school and wash my laundry by hand - on his abs but, that caveman face of his just ruins it for me. Granted, he seems to have grown into his forehead a bit since he filmed New Moon but he hasn't fully lost that cro-magnon look about him. Yes, his abs are to die for and I'd gladly lick whipped cream off of them given half a chance. But guess what? Without even trying I can name 37 men who competed in the World Cup off whose abs I'd also like to eat various foods. And at least in the World Cup if a referee makes a bad call somebody gets fucked.
More than I can say goes down in Twilight.
