Beautiful, Dirty, Camerawhore
Take a moment, dear reader and check out this website, Tom Hardy Camerawhore. Go ahead, I'll wait.
If you're unfamiliar with Tom Hardy he was one of the stars in Inception, Star Trek: Nemesis and some other stuff. Most importantly he really enjoys posing for the camera.
Now I've seen plenty of tumblr sites dedicated to posting picture after picture of their favorite celebrities (Personally, I follow FuckYeahCarlosBocanegra) but I hadn't come across one where the majority of the pictures were clearly taken by the celebrity themselves.
Tom Hardy's got this dirty, sexy hotness about him. Even when he's looking trashy there's still some glimmer in that eye that says "Yeah, you know you like the bad boys." He's even got the Smile Now, Cry Later tattoo on his chest. If that doesn't say thug, I don't know what does.
Then there's the softer side of Tom.
The Tom that makes beautiful babies.
The Tom that likes showing off his muscles, both sides of course. You've got to keep it even.
And of course, we can never forget the Tom that takes come hither photos in his underwear.
I applaud Tom Hardy. A few weeks ago the Interwebs was all a flutter about a comment he made regarding his sexuality. He admitted to fooling around with both men and women in his youth. Allegedly those quotes were taken out of context but anyone a semi-funcitoning gaydar who watched Star Trek: Nemesis caught wind of Mr. Hardy. We know what's up. As for the constant pictures of himself, well, if you've got it, flaunt it. If I had Tom Hardy's body you better believe I'd be doing the same thing. Countless teens and young adults, even those who have no business taking Glamor shots of themselves, are constantly doing it, why not someone who's actually got a body you wouldn't mind seeing?
Plus look at that adorable baby!
If Tom Hardy hadn't made your panties wet or your boxers tight before, seeing him being a daddy and showing off exactly what he can produce sure as hell did. That baby makes me want to find a way to have Tom Hardy's future offspring. I'm sure he could do it too. Tom Hardy just oozes this sexuality where you know could impregnate you with a look.
Ahh hell. Excuse me while I go pee on a stick.
What Had Happa to Justin Timberlake?
Remember the days when Justin Timberlake was a musical artist? I know you might not remember but think back to the days before the Facebook movie, The Social Network, before the annoying Sony commercials, before his endless cameos on SNL, before he launched his clothing line, WilliamRast and spent his free time driving his balls into holes at the golf course and Jessica Biel. Justin Timberlake used to put out music, good music, makes-you-wanna-shake-yo'-ass music. I'm talking more than just his little featured spots on recent songs like Timbaland's "Carry Out" and T.I.'s "Dead and Gone". Justin Timberlake put out complete albums.
Now Justin Timberlake seems to have forsaken his musical past and is solely focusing on his creating fine theatrical films, like the live-action version of Yogi Bear. No, no. You read that right. Yogi Bear. Justin is the voice of the CGI Boo Boo. Really, Justin? Really? This is why I don't have a follow-up album to 2006's "FutureSex/LoveSounds"? Because you're off being the voice to one of the gayest cartoon characters this side of Piglet, Vanity Smurf and Snagglepuss? /SMH JT, SMH.
I mean, I guess I should say I respect your hustle. You had to have worked hard in order to get "Fuck You" money to be able to walk around in your little hipster glasses doing whatever the hell you want. I even heard you're writing a book about golf. Golf? Look, I obviously enjoy blogging but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out and write a book about it. I'll leave that to the pros and you should too.
What's up, JT? Why the extended break from music? Did you decide the music scene wasn't big enough for two people named Justin and decided to step down? You can sing and dance circles around that little snot-nosed Antichrist. Come back, Justin! Come back before you permanently lose your place among music's hot trendsetters.
I hear Joey "There's Nothing My Love Can't Fix" Lawrence is heading back into the studio soon to start recording an album that will be a cross between your solo debut "Justified" and the Friends theme song. Well I don't know about the Friends theme song but if he can do something with those unnatural eyebrows and shaved head look and manage to actually create something that sounds like "Justified" then you better watch your ass. Joey Lawrence and his beautiful locks were making panties moist back when you were still in the New Mickey Mouse Club.
It's time to step up your game Mr. Timberlake. Stop fucking around with all these movies, commercials, clothing lines and golf courses for a minute, call up Timbo and get your SexyBack into the studio.
Teenage Dream
If you follow my Twitter, read my Facebook status updates, have been in my new car, or heard me drive by you bumping my music loudly you may have noticed that I've been head over heels obsessed with Katy Perry's new album, Teenage Dream.
I love it. 5 stars. Aces 10.
New York Magazine's Vulture posted a blog this week entitled "The Ten Most Awful/Awesome Lyrics on Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream" where they list the shallowness of Katy's lyrics and coin the new term, awfulsome, where awful and awesome come together and make an illegitimate baby. Come on people. This is pop music. It's not supposed to be that deep.
Did anyone go and dissect Britney's "...Baby One More Time"? Did scholars try and find the symbolism in Beyoncé's "Single Ladies"? Will historians one day look back and debate how Christina's addition of that extra 'r' in "Dirrty" sparked a worldwide movement where all females rode motorcycles to underground boxing matches and wore assless chaps? Probably not. Why? Because it's POP music. (Although I personally believe that when historians look back at Justin Bieber's videos they'll note how all the purple he wore was a clear sign of his obvious homosexuality. Jus' sayin'.)
The video for the title single "Teenage Dream" is pretty much what the video for "California Gurls" should have been. Sexy young adults frolicking on a beach, fun summertime beach bonfires and the requisite convertible driving down the California highways with the top down.
In a few months people will undoubtedly be singing the lyrics to "Peacock" just as they sang "My Humps" a few summers back. Take a peek...
"I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock. Your Peacock, cock.
Come on baby, let me see, what you're hiding underneath ...
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a bee-yotch
I'mma peace out if you don't give me the pay off.
Come on baby let me see
What you're hiding underneath.
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful ...
Oh my god no exaggeration
Boy, all this time was worth the waiting
I just shed a tear
I am so unprepared
You've got the finest architecture
And oh the rainbow looking treasure
Such a sight to see
And it's all for me.
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?"
Now I dare you to read those lyrics and tell me it's worth looking into deeply and scientifically. No! Like I described the album to a friend, the beauty of Teenage Dream is that it's a light, summery pop album meant for cruising with the top down, kareoke-style singing and LOLZ. Let's take it as such and enjoy.
Confessions of a Would Be Back-Up Dancer
For the past few weeks I've spent countless hours watching some of my favorite movies in preparation for the release of the third part in one of the greatest film franchises in my world. No, not Star Wars, The Godfather or Lord of the Rings. Today I watched Step Up 3D. This was the first movie I've seen where I can honestly say that it wouldn't have been the same without the 3D experience. And that wasn't just the quarter bottle of tequila on a nearly empty stomach talking.
I don't know what it is but I have always loved cheesy dance movies. I'm not a huge fans of the older classics such as Footloose, Dirty Dancing or Fame but rather the new batch like Step Up, Honey, Center Stage (even the second one) and Save the Last Dance. If it has group choreographed dancing I'll watch it and learn the steps. In the case of the original Step Up, I watched it 5 times ... in theaters.
Ever since 3rd grade when I joined the Drama & Dance Club, I realized that I had a knack for picking up choreography steps really, really quick. Now I can't always do them as there are some things that my extra pounds make me incapable of doing but I do pick up on the mechanics of them very quickly. When I was younger I always wanted to be a backup dancer for Janet Jackson, Madonna or Britney. I still remember the breakdown of Janet Jackson's "If" video and that came out when I was in Jr. high. In high school, I'd spend hours in my room learning the steps to "...Baby, One More Time" and *Nsync's "Tearin' Up My Heart". It took me all of 20 minutes of watching the Pussycat Dolls workout DVD, while sitting on my couch and not participating, to learn the chorus to "Don't Cha" and be able to do it step-by-step the following day in the parking lot at work. What can I say? It's a gift. I guess it's one of the only good things I inherited from my dad. I was never witness to it but at his funeral they spoke about how even though he was a "large" man, he was completely light on his feet. Well thanks for that one, pops.
A few weeks ago I finally completed one of my "Before I'm 30" Bucket List items. I mastered one move on a pole. No, not a "fitness" pole, but a stripper pole. I can now fully spin around twice. Maybe it was the 8 weeks of doing push-ups on P90X or the fact that I was pretty buzzed or maybe it was just a certain something in the air but I grabbed a hold of that pole, lifted myself up and spun around twice with my knees up at my chest. I did it three times just to make sure the first one wasn't just some sort of fluke. It was truly a sight to behold. And before you ask, no, there are no pics or videos to speak of. If you want to see it, you've gotta make it rain just like everybody else.
No More H8in’
Yesterday, Chief U.S. District Judge Walker overturned California's Prop 8, almost two years after it's passing. Thank you, California. It's nice to know that in the state I've spent all my 29 years of life and have paid taxes in for the past 11, I'm no longer considered a second-class citizen. I am now free to get married to the man of my dreams.
I'll admit, I never really gave marriage much thought. I guess, in part, due to the lack of good marriage role models growing up. My parents were never married, well not to each other anyway. My dad was married for 50+ years and my mother was his dirty mistress on the side for around 11. My mom never married and the woman who I considered and loved as my grandmother was divorced twice and has been single longer than I've been alive. All in all marriage just never seemed that important to me. That was until California voters decided I couldn't have it. To me, it was like being on a diet and wanting some chocolate chunky cake when I never even really crave cake all that much. Well I didn't want it until you said I couldn't have it.
Now, thanks to the judge's ruling finding Prop 8 unconstitutional, I can have my cake and feed it into the mouth of my husband for the photo op too. I'll be the first to admit that I am not political at all. I don't really follow politics except for a month before elections. Shame on me, it really is something I've been trying to work on. I might not understand all the ins-and-outs of the ruling and feel free to edumacate me if I'm totally wrong on something but come on! How are you going to take away a gay man's right to bridal registry?! That's just inhumane.
Who do straight guys send to go shopping with their girlfriends when they don't want to do it? The gay best friend. I can't even begin to tell you how many shopping trips I've been on where I sit on the stool in the dressing room only to tell her that that dress looks faboosh, those sunglasses look ferosh, or that she needs to put those pants back because they make her thighs look huge. Who do you think is at Ikea helping your girlfriend pick out curtains and home accessories when you two finally move in together? The Gusbands of America are! (For those who don't know, gusband = gay husband. TM by my wife, Patrice.) We're the ones who you call on when you don't want to do the wedding planning, now let us have our turn. We promise we won't make you help. You don't know how to do it anyway.
Assuming I now have all the legal rights that "regular" married folks have, I'm glad that when I adopt my brown babies from a third-world country, both my husband and I will have full rights as their legal parents. Now quick, someone go find me Carlos Bocanegra so I can marry him before the next judge overturns the ruling and I go back to being a second-class citizen.
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Letters to Fergie
You ever just find that you genuinely dislike a person but have no legitimate reason why? Too much haterade with my morning cereal, I guess. I don't understand why but one day I just woke up and decided I didn't like Fergie. This was after I rocked out to "My Humps" like nobody's business for about 4 months. The following is an open letter to one, Stacy Ann Ferguson.
Hey Stacy,
I'm here to say I'm sorry, boo. I was wrong. You might not grasp the magnitude of that last sentence but I never apologize for shit. After much thought and reflection I believe I know what had happa. See there was this girl who was my roaddog, my homegirl, my sister and my BFF, or so I thought, who turned out to be a meth head and managed to hide the fact from me for about 2 years. I think I projected my anger at her onto you because as every single article about you from 2006-2008 noted, you were addicted to crystal meth and once had a 5-hour conversation with a hamper. My bad.
Can we just get back to where we used to be, Stace? Back where we were in the mid-80's where I used to watch you everyday on Kids, Incorporated. Or how about back to how we used to be in 1997 when I bought your Wild Orchid single, "Talk to Me" from the Sam Goody at my mall.
Let me just say that I fully respect the fact that after all these years you have stuck to your chola roots and still rock them hoop earrings like it's 1995 and you're in LA going to backyard keg parties. Go 'head girl. Go 'head. Personally I gave up my wannabe cholo ways. My baggy pants and burgundy Top Dawg sweaters were no more by the end of 8th grade. Your "Big Girls Don't Cry" video was inspiring. It showed me what my life would have been like had I stayed with my first boyfriend, Smile Now, Cry Later tattoos and all. Let's just say I dodged a bullet on that one. Yes, both Milo Ventimiglia and my ex were sexy, bad boys but in the end, we knew what we had to do. We had to pack up our designer panties and move on with our lives.
Stacy, I'm sorry boo. My hateration of you was misguided and I now see the error of my ways. I still don't understand what you're talking about in the chorus of "London Bridge" but that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I'm here apologizing, asking for one more chance. I will no longer hate with no reason. (Except in the case of Jennifer Lopez. That ho irks me and I hold her fully responsible for the demise of Ben Affleck's career.)
I hope it's not too late for us, Stacy,
Your boy,
Aldo
Where in the World is Colby O?
Remember back in May 2008 when the potential summer anthems were just starting to hit the airwaves, an unknown artist named Lady Gaga came on the scene with her soon-to-be hit single "Just Dance" featuring another relatively unknown artist, Colby O'Donis? Both were unknown artists singed to Akon's Kon Live label. Jump ahead to the summer of 2010 and Lady Gaga is now ranked as the second most powerful musician in the world. She is on her second world tour after releasing two studio albums and earning two of the six Grammy awards she was up for.
Colby O'Donis has been chillin' at the house.
Well, ok, maybe not chillin' but he definitely has not had a portion of the success and world-wide fame that Lady Gaga has. How bitter do you think he is? I mean, for real. Colby actually dropped his first single before Lady Gaga and it only reached as high as #14 on the Billboard charts. Lady Gaga blew up to become a pop cultural icon while Colby only has three music videos out. The last of which was directed by Kel Mitchell, of Nickelodeon's "All That" fame, looks like it was shot on somebody's flipcam, cost all of $18 to make and has some of the worst lip-synching ever seen this side of Britney's "Gimme More" performance at the MTV Music Awards. Look, I get that Lady Gaga's music did much better so she has more money to shoot her following videos but you could have done much better than the star of "Good Burger", ok?
Lady Gaga really needs to give this boy a break. He can sing and he's a great dancer. Give him a cameo in one of your videos, Gaga. If you don't want him dancing along to your choreography at least have him be one of the faces in the background. Or how about giving the folks at MTV a call and see about getting him on season 3 of Jersey Shore. Lord knows he already looks the part.
