I never bother making Christmas lists because whenever someone asks me what I want I say “nothing.” 5 years of working retail at Northridge Mall left me traumatized and hating Christmas. It took 4 years of being gone to finally be able to listen to Christmas music without having an adverse physical reaction to it, I only bother buying a Christmas tree if my nieces are coming for a visit, and I still refuse to go anywhere near a major shopping center on Black Friday. But this year I think I’ve finally got something I want for Christmas. I want a midget little person.
Now before you get all up-in-arms about human trafficking, that’s not what I’m asking for. I’m just as against human-trafficking as you, I even bought the ribbon for it. What I want would be more akin to a human timeshare. Hear me out.
I just want a sassy, black midget little person to be my part-time BFF and go on adventures with. She’d be small, sassy and we would shenanigate like nobody’s business. I’d name her Little Precious and we’d go on road-trips and learn to line-dance just like in the new Footloose remake.
On weekends we’d be posted up on my couch eating fried chicken and judging the latest batch of reality shows. No, I’m not being racist and assuming she’s going to love fried chicken just because she’s black. I’m being a fattie and assuming she’s going to eat fried chicken with me because there are few things I love more in this world that some serious fried chicken.
We’d snuggle together under the comforter watching Fashion Police. It’d be like watching it with my cat except instead of looking at me with a face that reads “I like that you talk to me like I’m going to answer even though I’m a cat, you ass,” Little Precious and I would discuss the fashion trends and blunders and whether or not George Kotsiopoulos believes any of the bullshit that comes out of his own brown-nosed face.
See, wouldn’t that just be the Christmas gift that kept on giving? Besides, how am I supposed to be the gay Chelsea Handler without my own little nugget of a sidekick?
