Beautiful, Dirty, Camerawhore
Take a moment, dear reader and check out this website, Tom Hardy Camerawhore. Go ahead, I'll wait.
If you're unfamiliar with Tom Hardy he was one of the stars in Inception, Star Trek: Nemesis and some other stuff. Most importantly he really enjoys posing for the camera.
Now I've seen plenty of tumblr sites dedicated to posting picture after picture of their favorite celebrities (Personally, I follow FuckYeahCarlosBocanegra) but I hadn't come across one where the majority of the pictures were clearly taken by the celebrity themselves.
Tom Hardy's got this dirty, sexy hotness about him. Even when he's looking trashy there's still some glimmer in that eye that says "Yeah, you know you like the bad boys." He's even got the Smile Now, Cry Later tattoo on his chest. If that doesn't say thug, I don't know what does.
Then there's the softer side of Tom.
The Tom that makes beautiful babies.
The Tom that likes showing off his muscles, both sides of course. You've got to keep it even.
And of course, we can never forget the Tom that takes come hither photos in his underwear.
I applaud Tom Hardy. A few weeks ago the Interwebs was all a flutter about a comment he made regarding his sexuality. He admitted to fooling around with both men and women in his youth. Allegedly those quotes were taken out of context but anyone a semi-funcitoning gaydar who watched Star Trek: Nemesis caught wind of Mr. Hardy. We know what's up. As for the constant pictures of himself, well, if you've got it, flaunt it. If I had Tom Hardy's body you better believe I'd be doing the same thing. Countless teens and young adults, even those who have no business taking Glamor shots of themselves, are constantly doing it, why not someone who's actually got a body you wouldn't mind seeing?
Plus look at that adorable baby!
If Tom Hardy hadn't made your panties wet or your boxers tight before, seeing him being a daddy and showing off exactly what he can produce sure as hell did. That baby makes me want to find a way to have Tom Hardy's future offspring. I'm sure he could do it too. Tom Hardy just oozes this sexuality where you know could impregnate you with a look.
Ahh hell. Excuse me while I go pee on a stick.
Share on FacebookWhat Had Happa to Justin Timberlake?
Remember the days when Justin Timberlake was a musical artist? I know you might not remember but think back to the days before the Facebook movie, The Social Network, before the annoying Sony commercials, before his endless cameos on SNL, before he launched his clothing line, WilliamRast and spent his free time driving his balls into holes at the golf course and Jessica Biel. Justin Timberlake used to put out music, good music, makes-you-wanna-shake-yo'-ass music. I'm talking more than just his little featured spots on recent songs like Timbaland's "Carry Out" and T.I.'s "Dead and Gone". Justin Timberlake put out complete albums.
Now Justin Timberlake seems to have forsaken his musical past and is solely focusing on his creating fine theatrical films, like the live-action version of Yogi Bear. No, no. You read that right. Yogi Bear. Justin is the voice of the CGI Boo Boo. Really, Justin? Really? This is why I don't have a follow-up album to 2006's "FutureSex/LoveSounds"? Because you're off being the voice to one of the gayest cartoon characters this side of Piglet, Vanity Smurf and Snagglepuss? /SMH JT, SMH.
I mean, I guess I should say I respect your hustle. You had to have worked hard in order to get "Fuck You" money to be able to walk around in your little hipster glasses doing whatever the hell you want. I even heard you're writing a book about golf. Golf? Look, I obviously enjoy blogging but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out and write a book about it. I'll leave that to the pros and you should too.
What's up, JT? Why the extended break from music? Did you decide the music scene wasn't big enough for two people named Justin and decided to step down? You can sing and dance circles around that little snot-nosed Antichrist. Come back, Justin! Come back before you permanently lose your place among music's hot trendsetters.
I hear Joey "There's Nothing My Love Can't Fix" Lawrence is heading back into the studio soon to start recording an album that will be a cross between your solo debut "Justified" and the Friends theme song. Well I don't know about the Friends theme song but if he can do something with those unnatural eyebrows and shaved head look and manage to actually create something that sounds like "Justified" then you better watch your ass. Joey Lawrence and his beautiful locks were making panties moist back when you were still in the New Mickey Mouse Club.
It's time to step up your game Mr. Timberlake. Stop fucking around with all these movies, commercials, clothing lines and golf courses for a minute, call up Timbo and get your SexyBack into the studio.
Teenage Dream
If you follow my Twitter, read my Facebook status updates, have been in my new car, or heard me drive by you bumping my music loudly you may have noticed that I've been head over heels obsessed with Katy Perry's new album, Teenage Dream.
I love it. 5 stars. Aces 10.
New York Magazine's Vulture posted a blog this week entitled "The Ten Most Awful/Awesome Lyrics on Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream" where they list the shallowness of Katy's lyrics and coin the new term, awfulsome, where awful and awesome come together and make an illegitimate baby. Come on people. This is pop music. It's not supposed to be that deep.
Did anyone go and dissect Britney's "...Baby One More Time"? Did scholars try and find the symbolism in Beyoncé's "Single Ladies"? Will historians one day look back and debate how Christina's addition of that extra 'r' in "Dirrty" sparked a worldwide movement where all females rode motorcycles to underground boxing matches and wore assless chaps? Probably not. Why? Because it's POP music. (Although I personally believe that when historians look back at Justin Bieber's videos they'll note how all the purple he wore was a clear sign of his obvious homosexuality. Jus' sayin'.)
The video for the title single "Teenage Dream" is pretty much what the video for "California Gurls" should have been. Sexy young adults frolicking on a beach, fun summertime beach bonfires and the requisite convertible driving down the California highways with the top down.
In a few months people will undoubtedly be singing the lyrics to "Peacock" just as they sang "My Humps" a few summers back. Take a peek...
"I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock. Your Peacock, cock.
Come on baby, let me see, what you're hiding underneath ...
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a bee-yotch
I'mma peace out if you don't give me the pay off.
Come on baby let me see
What you're hiding underneath.
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful ...
Oh my god no exaggeration
Boy, all this time was worth the waiting
I just shed a tear
I am so unprepared
You've got the finest architecture
And oh the rainbow looking treasure
Such a sight to see
And it's all for me.
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?"
Now I dare you to read those lyrics and tell me it's worth looking into deeply and scientifically. No! Like I described the album to a friend, the beauty of Teenage Dream is that it's a light, summery pop album meant for cruising with the top down, kareoke-style singing and LOLZ. Let's take it as such and enjoy.
Confessions of a Would Be Back-Up Dancer
For the past few weeks I've spent countless hours watching some of my favorite movies in preparation for the release of the third part in one of the greatest film franchises in my world. No, not Star Wars, The Godfather or Lord of the Rings. Today I watched Step Up 3D. This was the first movie I've seen where I can honestly say that it wouldn't have been the same without the 3D experience. And that wasn't just the quarter bottle of tequila on a nearly empty stomach talking.
I don't know what it is but I have always loved cheesy dance movies. I'm not a huge fans of the older classics such as Footloose, Dirty Dancing or Fame but rather the new batch like Step Up, Honey, Center Stage (even the second one) and Save the Last Dance. If it has group choreographed dancing I'll watch it and learn the steps. In the case of the original Step Up, I watched it 5 times ... in theaters.
Ever since 3rd grade when I joined the Drama & Dance Club, I realized that I had a knack for picking up choreography steps really, really quick. Now I can't always do them as there are some things that my extra pounds make me incapable of doing but I do pick up on the mechanics of them very quickly. When I was younger I always wanted to be a backup dancer for Janet Jackson, Madonna or Britney. I still remember the breakdown of Janet Jackson's "If" video and that came out when I was in Jr. high. In high school, I'd spend hours in my room learning the steps to "...Baby, One More Time" and *Nsync's "Tearin' Up My Heart". It took me all of 20 minutes of watching the Pussycat Dolls workout DVD, while sitting on my couch and not participating, to learn the chorus to "Don't Cha" and be able to do it step-by-step the following day in the parking lot at work. What can I say? It's a gift. I guess it's one of the only good things I inherited from my dad. I was never witness to it but at his funeral they spoke about how even though he was a "large" man, he was completely light on his feet. Well thanks for that one, pops.
A few weeks ago I finally completed one of my "Before I'm 30" Bucket List items. I mastered one move on a pole. No, not a "fitness" pole, but a stripper pole. I can now fully spin around twice. Maybe it was the 8 weeks of doing push-ups on P90X or the fact that I was pretty buzzed or maybe it was just a certain something in the air but I grabbed a hold of that pole, lifted myself up and spun around twice with my knees up at my chest. I did it three times just to make sure the first one wasn't just some sort of fluke. It was truly a sight to behold. And before you ask, no, there are no pics or videos to speak of. If you want to see it, you've gotta make it rain just like everybody else.
No More H8in’
Yesterday, Chief U.S. District Judge Walker overturned California's Prop 8, almost two years after it's passing. Thank you, California. It's nice to know that in the state I've spent all my 29 years of life and have paid taxes in for the past 11, I'm no longer considered a second-class citizen. I am now free to get married to the man of my dreams.
I'll admit, I never really gave marriage much thought. I guess, in part, due to the lack of good marriage role models growing up. My parents were never married, well not to each other anyway. My dad was married for 50+ years and my mother was his dirty mistress on the side for around 11. My mom never married and the woman who I considered and loved as my grandmother was divorced twice and has been single longer than I've been alive. All in all marriage just never seemed that important to me. That was until California voters decided I couldn't have it. To me, it was like being on a diet and wanting some chocolate chunky cake when I never even really crave cake all that much. Well I didn't want it until you said I couldn't have it.
Now, thanks to the judge's ruling finding Prop 8 unconstitutional, I can have my cake and feed it into the mouth of my husband for the photo op too. I'll be the first to admit that I am not political at all. I don't really follow politics except for a month before elections. Shame on me, it really is something I've been trying to work on. I might not understand all the ins-and-outs of the ruling and feel free to edumacate me if I'm totally wrong on something but come on! How are you going to take away a gay man's right to bridal registry?! That's just inhumane.
Who do straight guys send to go shopping with their girlfriends when they don't want to do it? The gay best friend. I can't even begin to tell you how many shopping trips I've been on where I sit on the stool in the dressing room only to tell her that that dress looks faboosh, those sunglasses look ferosh, or that she needs to put those pants back because they make her thighs look huge. Who do you think is at Ikea helping your girlfriend pick out curtains and home accessories when you two finally move in together? The Gusbands of America are! (For those who don't know, gusband = gay husband. TM by my wife, Patrice.) We're the ones who you call on when you don't want to do the wedding planning, now let us have our turn. We promise we won't make you help. You don't know how to do it anyway.
Assuming I now have all the legal rights that "regular" married folks have, I'm glad that when I adopt my brown babies from a third-world country, both my husband and I will have full rights as their legal parents. Now quick, someone go find me Carlos Bocanegra so I can marry him before the next judge overturns the ruling and I go back to being a second-class citizen.
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Share on FacebookLetters to Fergie
You ever just find that you genuinely dislike a person but have no legitimate reason why? Too much haterade with my morning cereal, I guess. I don't understand why but one day I just woke up and decided I didn't like Fergie. This was after I rocked out to "My Humps" like nobody's business for about 4 months. The following is an open letter to one, Stacy Ann Ferguson.
Hey Stacy,
I'm here to say I'm sorry, boo. I was wrong. You might not grasp the magnitude of that last sentence but I never apologize for shit. After much thought and reflection I believe I know what had happa. See there was this girl who was my roaddog, my homegirl, my sister and my BFF, or so I thought, who turned out to be a meth head and managed to hide the fact from me for about 2 years. I think I projected my anger at her onto you because as every single article about you from 2006-2008 noted, you were addicted to crystal meth and once had a 5-hour conversation with a hamper. My bad.
Can we just get back to where we used to be, Stace? Back where we were in the mid-80's where I used to watch you everyday on Kids, Incorporated. Or how about back to how we used to be in 1997 when I bought your Wild Orchid single, "Talk to Me" from the Sam Goody at my mall.
Let me just say that I fully respect the fact that after all these years you have stuck to your chola roots and still rock them hoop earrings like it's 1995 and you're in LA going to backyard keg parties. Go 'head girl. Go 'head. Personally I gave up my wannabe cholo ways. My baggy pants and burgundy Top Dawg sweaters were no more by the end of 8th grade. Your "Big Girls Don't Cry" video was inspiring. It showed me what my life would have been like had I stayed with my first boyfriend, Smile Now, Cry Later tattoos and all. Let's just say I dodged a bullet on that one. Yes, both Milo Ventimiglia and my ex were sexy, bad boys but in the end, we knew what we had to do. We had to pack up our designer panties and move on with our lives.
Stacy, I'm sorry boo. My hateration of you was misguided and I now see the error of my ways. I still don't understand what you're talking about in the chorus of "London Bridge" but that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I'm here apologizing, asking for one more chance. I will no longer hate with no reason. (Except in the case of Jennifer Lopez. That ho irks me and I hold her fully responsible for the demise of Ben Affleck's career.)
I hope it's not too late for us, Stacy,
Your boy,
Aldo
Where in the World is Colby O?
Remember back in May 2008 when the potential summer anthems were just starting to hit the airwaves, an unknown artist named Lady Gaga came on the scene with her soon-to-be hit single "Just Dance" featuring another relatively unknown artist, Colby O'Donis? Both were unknown artists singed to Akon's Kon Live label. Jump ahead to the summer of 2010 and Lady Gaga is now ranked as the second most powerful musician in the world. She is on her second world tour after releasing two studio albums and earning two of the six Grammy awards she was up for.
Colby O'Donis has been chillin' at the house.
Well, ok, maybe not chillin' but he definitely has not had a portion of the success and world-wide fame that Lady Gaga has. How bitter do you think he is? I mean, for real. Colby actually dropped his first single before Lady Gaga and it only reached as high as #14 on the Billboard charts. Lady Gaga blew up to become a pop cultural icon while Colby only has three music videos out. The last of which was directed by Kel Mitchell, of Nickelodeon's "All That" fame, looks like it was shot on somebody's flipcam, cost all of $18 to make and has some of the worst lip-synching ever seen this side of Britney's "Gimme More" performance at the MTV Music Awards. Look, I get that Lady Gaga's music did much better so she has more money to shoot her following videos but you could have done much better than the star of "Good Burger", ok?
Lady Gaga really needs to give this boy a break. He can sing and he's a great dancer. Give him a cameo in one of your videos, Gaga. If you don't want him dancing along to your choreography at least have him be one of the faces in the background. Or how about giving the folks at MTV a call and see about getting him on season 3 of Jersey Shore. Lord knows he already looks the part.
California Gurls
It's that time of year again. Longer days, hotter nights, trips to the beach and late night bonfires have arrived. Summer is officially here and with that the summer anthem that will be bumped from the speakers of cruising cars everywhere. This summer, in California anyway, the anthem is Katy Perry's "California Gurls". The song is everything a summer anthem should be: upbeat, easily danceable and with a chorus that even the drunkest of summer party goers can easily sing along to.
Katy Perry wrote the song as the West Coast answer to Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind". Something current to show that California knows how to party. The problem with Katy's Ode to California though, was that she only focused on a specific type - the Southern California Girls, the beach bunnies in their daisy dukes and bikini tops. Where "Empire State of Mind" called out different types of New Yorkers, from the Dominicanos on Broadway, to the good girls gone bad, to those on the corner selling rock, "California Gurls" sticks to the stereotypical idea of a California girl. Now I'm not saying that they don't exist here in multitudes, but there are plenty of other types of California girls here that Katy could have sent a shout out to. How about calling out to the take-no-shit divas down on Crenshaw Blvd or up in Oakland, the field worker mamasita picking strawberries to flavor the popsicles you melt, or the chola with the hoop earrings riding around in her 1998 Honda Accord SE in East LA (or East Salinas for that matter). Move those electric blue bangs out of your eyes and take a look around, Katy, we have plenty of California Gurls for you to choose from.
Now I'm not totally knocking it. I still love the song and bump it from my car every time it's on and sing along. I just think being a native Californian herself, she could have done a better job of being an equal opportunity employer in her music. Where I have a serious problem is the video.
For all we know that video could have been shot in a warehouse with a green screen somewhere in Japan. Now I get that due to filming budgets and the high cost of blue wigs, record labels find cheaper places to film their videos, not always at the location they claim to be in. But could you have at least featured California in your video in some sort of fashion? Even the palm trees were made out of candy. Come on, Katy. REPRESENT! You know damn well the sort of budget mess we're in in this state. You could have gotten more tourism to our state by showing off the beauty we have to offer. Now all we're going to get is an influx of diabetics coming in to find the gummy bears that roam the streets.
A Candyland theme, Katy? Really? I'm all for pushing the envelope with your videos. Doing things outside the norm to keep raising that bar and giving us new and exciting videos but when your song talks about how beautiful the Golden Coast is, you could have at least featured it in there somehow. There is no California in that video anywhere and the idea is not even original. Fergie already did that theme, with a lot less CGI, in her "Fergalicious" video. Do your research, baby girl. I did. She even will.i.am to wear an oddly colored suit and everything.
Would you please do me and every Californian out here a favor re-shoot the video? You don't even need much money. Take a look at this homemade spoof called "California Gays" which even features a cameo by my future BFF, Guy Branum. It probably cost them all of $47 to make and they were able to make a great video and show off the true spirit of the state. Now these gays right here, they are true California Gurls who are fine, fresh, fierce and got it on lock.
Incarceration of a Teenage Drama Queen
In a barrage of glitter more likely found in a Mariah Carey video, Lindsay Lohan walked into a Los Angeles courthouse this morning and turned herself in to begin her 90 day sentence. Stripped of her jewelry, her designer clothes and her hair extensions, Lindsay was sent to an all-female prison in Lynwood, CA where she'll spend the majority of her day in an insolation unit, previously home to such delinquent celebutards as Paris Hilton and Michelle Rodriguez.
What I find most interesting about this is that she's now in the same jail as Alexis Neiers, currently serving 180 days for her involvement with the Hollywood "bling ring" and the robbery of such celebrities' homes as Orlando Bloom, Rachel Bilson and Lindsay Lohan.
Dun dun duuun.
Yes, Alexis is now in the same jail as the woman who's home she may or may not have helped burglarize. (Alexis plead no contest to the burglary of Orlando Bloom's home. I make no claims that she was actually at Lindsay's home. Jus' sayin', Mama Neiers. Jus' sayin'.) Personally I think that this could be just the thing they need to get their careers back on track. Or in the case of Alexis, get a career to begin with.
Think about it. Lindsay and Alexis coming together in jail to help protect each other from the mob of angry lesbians and lurds (lesbian until release date) who would love to get a taste of their sweet Hollywood poon. You know there is a Big Bertha or two who was overjoyed when she heard Lindsay and Alexis would be gracing the halls of her prison.
Imagine the possibilities afterwards. They could get an 8 episode special series on E! about life after imprisonment. They could call it "Pretty Wild: Living Life on the Outside". (TM, E! Entertainment. If you go through and make this series I demand producing credit.) They could star in their own Lifetime Movie of the Week detailing their life in the clink. We all know Alexis can cry on command. Remember the incident with the Vantiy Fair interview? "They weren't six inch Louboutins. THEY WERE LITTLE BROWN BOOTS!" Alexis would be perfect for a Lifetime movie.
If they really wanted to cash in on the whole jail experience they'd produce and star in their own porno movie. Picture it, Lindsay and Alexis getting close in their cell and releasing their pent-up frustrations on each other. The scene with the overzealous guard. Or the scene where Alexis' sister, Tess comes for a visit that quickly turns conjugal. Lindsay's already on her way to doing porn in the Linda Lovelace biopic "Inferno" and Alexis spends half of her time on Pretty Wild naked anyway. At least this way they could star and produce to make more money. (TM, Porn producers. If you go through and make this film I demand producing credit. I want my money delivered via PayPal. I ain't touching money or checks that you people in the porn industry have touched. Ya nasty.)
So listen up Lindsay and Alexis, it doesn't matter who stole what from who, or who was wearing what on which day or what went down at which exclusive party. What matters now is that the two of you need to stick together and help each other through this difficult time. When you come out you'll be stronger for it and America will want to know the truth! At least the part of America that regularly watches E!.
Don’t Cha
In case you, along with most of America, hadn't heard the Pussycat Dolls have a brand new lineup. The original girls are all gone, except Nicole, of course, replaced by a whole new set of booty-shakers whose names and faces you won't remember either.
Nicole Scherzinger initially joined the Pussycat Dolls because they were lacking a strong lead vocalist, which really means "The bitches we have can't carry a tune". Nicole had earlier been in the group Eden's Crush, which if you were a teenager in the hey-day of TRL like I was, you remember was put together on the reality competition show "Popstars" on the WB. The first Pussycat Dolls album was completely recorded by Nicole. She sang lead, backup and everything in between. In the videos the rest of the Dolls just lip-synched along. I know, a real shocker in today's pop music.
When the CW started airing Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For the Next Doll, I watched each week with great anticipation to find out who the next Doll would be. It wasn't widely publicized but the new Doll was being brought in to take Nicole's place as she would be leaving to record a solo album. Nicole's role in the Pussycat Dolls was originally meant to be a temporary one. A stepping stone to launch her career after the failure of Eden's Crush. The winner turned down her spot and Nicole's solo album never actually came out - even after releasing 4 singles. Sorry, Nicole but your first name is way too common for you to be known solely by it and your last name is too damn hard to pronounce. It's not like you could pull a Beyoncé and let people know "it rhymes with fianceé" when you first came out. In fact, you'd probably have better luck with a solo album if you actually went by the name Nicole From the Pussycat Dolls. Let's face it, that's what you're forever going to be known as anyway. Just own it already. Do you think we would give a rat’s ass about Stefani Germanotta if she hadn’t taken the stage name Lady Gaga? No! We would have just said that chick with the weird name sure dresses funny and kept it moving.
The back-up Dolls grew tired of Nicole's preferential treatment in the group and were eventually thrown out for clashing with her. The official reason being "they left to pursue solo careers". Hate to break this to you ladies, but you won't have any. I mean, really, did any of you think that you were in the PCD because of your singing talent? Hell, after watching the Pussycat Dolls workout video for 20 minutes I had the dance moves to the entire chorus of "Don't Cha" memorized. Given a hot body, a fierce weave and another X-chromosome I could have been the next Pussycat Doll.
I'm not trying to kick you when you're down but let's face facts - You were put together as a group then someone else was brought in to record THE ENTIRE ALBUM. Did you not think something was off at that point? You were brought in because all of you were pretty and could dance. Remember back in 2008 when redheaded vixen Carmit Bachar left to record her solo album? Yeah, neither does anyone else.
