Letters to Fergie

You ever just find that you genuinely dislike a person but have no legitimate reason why? Too much haterade with my morning cereal, I guess. I don't understand why but one day I just woke up and decided I didn't like Fergie. This was after I rocked out to "My Humps" like nobody's business for about 4 months. The following is an open letter to one, Stacy Ann Ferguson.

Hey Stacy,
I'm here to say I'm sorry, boo. I was wrong. You might not grasp the magnitude of that last sentence but I never apologize for shit. After much thought and reflection I believe I know what had happa. See there was this girl who was my roaddog, my homegirl, my sister and my BFF, or so I thought, who turned out to be a meth head and managed to hide the fact from me for about 2 years. I think I projected my anger at her onto you because as every single article about you from 2006-2008 noted, you were addicted to crystal meth and once had a 5-hour conversation with a hamper. My bad.

Can we just get back to where we used to be, Stace? Back where we were in the mid-80's where I used to watch you everyday on Kids, Incorporated. Or how about back to how we used to be in 1997 when I bought your Wild Orchid single, "Talk to Me" from the Sam Goody at my mall.

Let me just say that I fully respect the fact that after all these years you have stuck to your chola roots and still rock them hoop earrings like it's 1995 and you're in LA going to backyard keg parties. Go 'head girl. Go 'head. Personally I gave up my wannabe cholo ways. My baggy pants and burgundy Top Dawg sweaters were no more by the end of 8th grade. Your "Big Girls Don't Cry" video was inspiring. It showed me what my life would have been like had I stayed with my first boyfriend, Smile Now, Cry Later tattoos and all. Let's just say I dodged a bullet on that one. Yes, both Milo Ventimiglia and my ex were sexy, bad boys but in the end, we knew what we had to do. We had to pack up our designer panties and move on with our lives.

Stacy, I'm sorry boo. My hateration of you was misguided and I now see the error of my ways. I still don't understand what you're talking about in the chorus of "London Bridge" but that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I'm here apologizing, asking for one more chance. I will no longer hate with no reason. (Except in the case of Jennifer Lopez. That ho irks me and I hold her fully responsible for the demise of Ben Affleck's career.)

I hope it's not too late for us, Stacy,
Your boy,
Aldo