Incarceration of a Teenage Drama Queen
In a barrage of glitter more likely found in a Mariah Carey video, Lindsay Lohan walked into a Los Angeles courthouse this morning and turned herself in to begin her 90 day sentence. Stripped of her jewelry, her designer clothes and her hair extensions, Lindsay was sent to an all-female prison in Lynwood, CA where she'll spend the majority of her day in an insolation unit, previously home to such delinquent celebutards as Paris Hilton and Michelle Rodriguez.
What I find most interesting about this is that she's now in the same jail as Alexis Neiers, currently serving 180 days for her involvement with the Hollywood "bling ring" and the robbery of such celebrities' homes as Orlando Bloom, Rachel Bilson and Lindsay Lohan.
Dun dun duuun.
Yes, Alexis is now in the same jail as the woman who's home she may or may not have helped burglarize. (Alexis plead no contest to the burglary of Orlando Bloom's home. I make no claims that she was actually at Lindsay's home. Jus' sayin', Mama Neiers. Jus' sayin'.) Personally I think that this could be just the thing they need to get their careers back on track. Or in the case of Alexis, get a career to begin with.
Think about it. Lindsay and Alexis coming together in jail to help protect each other from the mob of angry lesbians and lurds (lesbian until release date) who would love to get a taste of their sweet Hollywood poon. You know there is a Big Bertha or two who was overjoyed when she heard Lindsay and Alexis would be gracing the halls of her prison.
Imagine the possibilities afterwards. They could get an 8 episode special series on E! about life after imprisonment. They could call it "Pretty Wild: Living Life on the Outside". (TM, E! Entertainment. If you go through and make this series I demand producing credit.) They could star in their own Lifetime Movie of the Week detailing their life in the clink. We all know Alexis can cry on command. Remember the incident with the Vantiy Fair interview? "They weren't six inch Louboutins. THEY WERE LITTLE BROWN BOOTS!" Alexis would be perfect for a Lifetime movie.
If they really wanted to cash in on the whole jail experience they'd produce and star in their own porno movie. Picture it, Lindsay and Alexis getting close in their cell and releasing their pent-up frustrations on each other. The scene with the overzealous guard. Or the scene where Alexis' sister, Tess comes for a visit that quickly turns conjugal. Lindsay's already on her way to doing porn in the Linda Lovelace biopic "Inferno" and Alexis spends half of her time on Pretty Wild naked anyway. At least this way they could star and produce to make more money. (TM, Porn producers. If you go through and make this film I demand producing credit. I want my money delivered via PayPal. I ain't touching money or checks that you people in the porn industry have touched. Ya nasty.)
So listen up Lindsay and Alexis, it doesn't matter who stole what from who, or who was wearing what on which day or what went down at which exclusive party. What matters now is that the two of you need to stick together and help each other through this difficult time. When you come out you'll be stronger for it and America will want to know the truth! At least the part of America that regularly watches E!.
Don’t Cha
In case you, along with most of America, hadn't heard the Pussycat Dolls have a brand new lineup. The original girls are all gone, except Nicole, of course, replaced by a whole new set of booty-shakers whose names and faces you won't remember either.
Nicole Scherzinger initially joined the Pussycat Dolls because they were lacking a strong lead vocalist, which really means "The bitches we have can't carry a tune". Nicole had earlier been in the group Eden's Crush, which if you were a teenager in the hey-day of TRL like I was, you remember was put together on the reality competition show "Popstars" on the WB. The first Pussycat Dolls album was completely recorded by Nicole. She sang lead, backup and everything in between. In the videos the rest of the Dolls just lip-synched along. I know, a real shocker in today's pop music.
When the CW started airing Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For the Next Doll, I watched each week with great anticipation to find out who the next Doll would be. It wasn't widely publicized but the new Doll was being brought in to take Nicole's place as she would be leaving to record a solo album. Nicole's role in the Pussycat Dolls was originally meant to be a temporary one. A stepping stone to launch her career after the failure of Eden's Crush. The winner turned down her spot and Nicole's solo album never actually came out - even after releasing 4 singles. Sorry, Nicole but your first name is way too common for you to be known solely by it and your last name is too damn hard to pronounce. It's not like you could pull a Beyoncé and let people know "it rhymes with fianceé" when you first came out. In fact, you'd probably have better luck with a solo album if you actually went by the name Nicole From the Pussycat Dolls. Let's face it, that's what you're forever going to be known as anyway. Just own it already. Do you think we would give a rat’s ass about Stefani Germanotta if she hadn’t taken the stage name Lady Gaga? No! We would have just said that chick with the weird name sure dresses funny and kept it moving.
The back-up Dolls grew tired of Nicole's preferential treatment in the group and were eventually thrown out for clashing with her. The official reason being "they left to pursue solo careers". Hate to break this to you ladies, but you won't have any. I mean, really, did any of you think that you were in the PCD because of your singing talent? Hell, after watching the Pussycat Dolls workout video for 20 minutes I had the dance moves to the entire chorus of "Don't Cha" memorized. Given a hot body, a fierce weave and another X-chromosome I could have been the next Pussycat Doll.
I'm not trying to kick you when you're down but let's face facts - You were put together as a group then someone else was brought in to record THE ENTIRE ALBUM. Did you not think something was off at that point? You were brought in because all of you were pretty and could dance. Remember back in 2008 when redheaded vixen Carmit Bachar left to record her solo album? Yeah, neither does anyone else.
