I Wanna Be a Billionaire

I've been slacking on the blogging lately. What can I say? First I came down with a case of World Cup Fever. Waking up at 5am to be at the bar by 7am to cheer on your team, and more importantly jeer the opposing one, takes a toll on you. After that I was busy being "Tío Ando" to my 4 nieces and earning my status as #1 World's Greatest Uncle. When you spend 11 full days taking the teenager to get her first manicure, playing Wii Batman & Robin with the 8 year old, teaching the 3 year old to say words like "fierce" and "trifling", and making up songs for the 4 month old that included me calling her a cross-eyed monkey baby, you don't have much time for anything else.

Mostly though I've come down with a severe case of summer Idon'tgiveafuckitis. Every year around the time the days get longer, the nights hotter and your lunch break errand time doubles because of all the teenagers shenanigating in your way slowing you down, I tend to get this attitude of "Oh fuck everything." I blame the fact that adults don't get summer vacation. I want to have 3 months off to do nothing but chillax, bump the latest summer anthems from my car while driving to the beach to work on my tan. Or even better, I'd like to win the lottery so that I can have the time and money to do those things year round.

Just like Travie McCoy sings in his new single, I, too, want to be a Billionaire so freakin' bad and buy all of the things I never had. On top of the shopping sprees, the amazing brownstone overlooking Central Park, and traveling the world and brunching in a different city every day, I also have a few things that I'd do with my money that may seem a little out of the ordinary to some.

First of all, I'd hire a personal trainer to get me into the best shape possible. Not just any ol' personal trainer you could get at a gym. No, I want to hire choreographer, LaurieAnn Gibson, from Making the Band 3 fame. LaurieAnn has choreographed the movie Honey and Lady Gaga's recent video hits Paparazzi, LoveGame, Bad Romance, Telephone and Alejandro. Throughout the seasons leading up to the formation of Danity Kane, LaurieAnn trained and worked the girls into lean, mean, synchronized dancing machines. I want to hire LaurieAnn to teach me to dance as if I were a contestant on Making the Band 3. I want her to mold my body and make me worthy of being the next member of Danity Kane, assuming the band were still together and took men. I want her to yell "boom, boom, kack" at me while I learn the latest hip thrust and booty pops. I'd also like cameras there so that I can look into them and give my "confessional" about how hard I've been working on learning the dance moves and how badly I want to be in the band. They don't actually have to record me, I'd just like a camera there to talk into.

The second thing I'd do if I were a billionaire is become Batman. Well no, not the actual Batman, that's been done. I'd be a hotter, skankier version of a crime-fighting vigilante. (Think a manly Catwoman.) I'd travel the world to brunch and learn mad ninja skills which would aid me in my fight against crime. Being a billionaire would ensure that I have enough money for all of the latest crime fighting gadgets and outfits that'd be housed in a secret room in my New York City brownstone. I'd kick some serious ass with the style and fierceness of Scarlett Johansson in Ironman 2. And I'd ride around fighting crime on a motorcycle.

'Cause every self-respecting, leather clad, sexy crime-fighting billionaire should have a motorcycle.