Dress for Success
So I'm at Panda Express the other day and in line behind me is this rather large woman looking like she just rolled out of bed that morning after having eaten there the night before. Her hoodie had all sorts of food stains just underneath her chins, in various colors, that made me think all those stains didn't come from just one meal. Now I get that Panda Express is about as far away from the runways of Bryant Park as you can get but could you just put a little pride into your appearance?
It's well documented and I'll be the first to tell you I could stand to lose a pound or 60 but I at least put effort into making myself presentable, hell even cute, when I venture outdoors. I get that it's harder to find clothes that fit just right in the latest styles when you're pushing a XXL and sometimes you would rather just throw a hoodie on and go, but at least make sure it's clean! There is no need for you to go outside in a dirty ass hoodie, beat up house slippers with you hair a tangled mess. None.
Sure, sometimes even I think I could try a little harder but there's no one to impress in my town, unless you're at Starbucks where the hot baristas or sexy travelers stop at. There's almost no one at my work that makes me think, let me pick up that shirt in the new H&M commercial so I can look bangin' at work and impress folks. But even still, I take the time to shower and put on clean clothes when I go outside, this includes simply stepping outside to run errands. People can still see you even though you're only going to the bank or post office.
We've all heard the old advice telling us we should always go outside with clean underwear on in case an accident should happen. I'd like to bring this saying into 2010 and say "Always leave your house dressed for your mugshot." Have you seen the way celebrities look in their mugshots? The new mugshots would give the late '90s Glamour Shots a run for their money. Let's learn something from Paris Hilton, and in reality this is about the only thing that silly ho can teach us, and put on our Saturday night best when we go out, or at least our Tuesday morning cleanest.
Oh the Shame
So I'm reading Twilight as part of a book club and just to see what all the fuss was about. Never in my days have I ever read a book with such shame. Hiding it under my arm as I go to lunch, putting my water bottle in front of it while I'm reading at the table, the lengths I've gone to in order to hide what I'm reading are astounding. I even considered paper-bag covering it a la 5th grade but no one really gives paper bags anymore since we've all gone "green" and take in our reusable bags.
What's worse is that I know they won't be having "the sex" in this book. Apparently if they do, Bella will die or become a vampire or realize she's with a moody douche, leave him and go get a spray tan or something. Halfway into it I remembered that it was written by a Mormon woman and aimed at 13 year old girls. This explained the plot and led me to the realization that when I finish this book I'll be left with literary blue balls. You teased me enough to keep me interested for nearly 500 pages but aren't going to give me the big finish.
