Tag Archive for Justin Bieber

Grammy’s Recap

February 14, 2011 Uncategorized

I normally like to watch all major awards shows on East Coast time so I can live Tweet with my friends from NYC. Since I couldn’t find an online site to stream it easily, I caught up on some Pretty Little Liars while avoiding Twitter and Facebook to prevent any spoilers. I watched the Grammy’s on the West Coast feed and decided to jot down what I probably would have tweeted anyway.

When did Snooki learn to sing like that? Oh … Sorry Christina.

Jennifer Hudson – DAAAMN Weight Watchers worked good for you.

Aretha, please wear a hat. The hat will heal you.

Ricky, we always knew you were gay. There is no need for silver pants. None whatsoever.

An egg? Sit down, Stefani. Sit down.

Lenny Kravitz – I’d still hit it.

Bruno Mars, cut your hair and start wearing some sunscreen. WTF is Janelle Monae playing? B.O.B. the fact that you got on a monocle made me drop mine.

Miranda Lambert has a VERY round head.

How much we wanna bet Justin Bieber calls Usher “daddy” when they’re behind closed doors?

Justin Bieber’s performance looks like a scene out of Mortal Kombat. He’s Johnny Cage, SubZero and Scorpion are there.

Why is Jayden Smith wearing cheetah print pants?

Usher’s outfit looks like he’s in the gay Starfleet.

Why is Kim Kardashian there?

Lady Gaga’s outfit looks like George Clooney’s Batman outfit with those rubber ass cheeks.

Whitney Houston inspired you? Sit down, Stefani. Sit down.

Who the hell is Mumford & Sons? ‘Cause the lead singer … I’d hit that.

Dude from Lady Antebellum either has a huge package or the Grammys gave him a boner.

Dude from Lady Antebellum – the huge package and/or boner is still there.

Jamie Foxx – Shut up.

Dear Cee Lo, I love you. It looks like a parrot, a muppet and a knight from the Round Table all came together to make a baby – and it works!

Gwyneth Paltrow – you can sing and I love you, but for the love of God don’t go trying to release an album. I’d have to go back to disliking you if you did. Also, I LOVE your shoes.

Katy Perry, I love you more.

Nicole Kidman is smiling so damn much because she recognizes that Katy Perry recycled the heart from the Moulan Rouge “Lady Marmalade” video.

Eminem looks good.

I’m sorry, who just won Best New Artist?

Matthew Morrison clearly liked the hair relaxer Details magazine gave him when putting him on the cover.

Is Barbara Streisand Jennifer Aniston’s long-lost mother?

Nicki Minaj, I’d say WTF? but let’s not act like we’re surprised.

Eminem, I can see your underpants. Now smile, you just won.

Go home, Diddy. Go home.

Did Rihanna sacrifice something to some tribal gods to get Wheelchair Jimmy’s legs to work again?

Lady Gaga, what’s with the shoulders? Sit down, Stefani. Sit down.

Arcade Fire, never heard your music before but why do you need two drummers?

I’m so quick to judge. Meh, everyone needs a hobby. Judging is mine.

Bieber Fever

May 6, 2010 Uncategorized

Earthquakes, floods, disease and famine – all signs that the end times are upon us. Most major political or cultural figures throughout history have been pinpointed as a potential for being the Antichrist, foretold in the Book of Revelations, who will come forth to bring armageddon. Biblical scholars to your regular run of the mill crazy Christian fanatic have all tried to name who the Antichrist will be. George W. Bush, Mahmound Ahmadinejad, Prince Charles, the Pope, President Obama and even Oprah have all been accused of being the Antichrist. I now give you a new name to consider – Justin Drew Bieber.

Could Justin Bieber be the Antichrist? Is this blonde, cherub-faced teenager really the disguise of The Beast? Look at the signs. He came out of nowhere, rose to power and now has thousands of loyal followers who are ready and willing to follow the instructions of his every tweet. Yes, biblical scholars have said that the Antichrist would be a political figure but a simple comparison of the turnout for the last presidential election vs. American Idol voting will show you it’s clear that America is really run by pop culture.

Come on, the first person to get a recording contract, a platinum record, the ability to cause massive riots among teenagers and an invitation to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner all from simply being a YouTube sensation and no one questions whether or not Satan was involved? Am I the only person to think some virgin sacrifices had to have gone down in order for him to rise as quickly as he did?

What about that signature hairstyle of his? Seems to me a person could easily be hiding something underneath that perfectly blow-dried mop of hair he’s got going on. Perhaps something like the mark of the beast? Is the reason for his constant hair flipping really to hide the 666 mark on his forehead? I mean really, has anyone ever seen the Bieb’s naked forehead? I haven’t.

This week we saw but a glimpse of J. Bieb’s power when he tweeted a picture of him and his “girlfriend”, Kim Kardashian. She was instantly hit with death threats by throngs of prepubescent girls. A simple tweet from him ended it and Kim’s life was spared. This 16-year-old’s mere presence is enough to cause thousands of teens to riot and have malls shut down and concerts cancelled. What will we be in for when he turns 18 and comes into his full power? Bieber already controls Twitter. Do you know how hard it is to get on the trending topic list? Much less to consistently be in the top 10 week after week. If that’s not a display of Lucifer’s power then I don’t know what is.

Is the “Bieber Fever” currently sweeping the nation actually the rising heat from the depths of hell coming forth to consume us all? You decide.

Dear throngs of prepubescent girls, I write jokes. If you have a death threat or comment to send my way then leave it here in the comment section.