World Cup Fever

Anyone who knows me knows that my knowledge of sports is basically "blah blah blah touchdown yadda yadda yadda goal blah blah blah Go Team Go!" I pretty much stopped paying attention to sports after 3rd grade when Kick-Ball was no longer an option during P.E. So it's a surprise to my friends and especially to myself, that I've gotten so wrapped up in the World Cup Fever. I'm finding myself waking up early to watch games on South African time, keeping track of game scores at work, and most importantly checking up on player's bios. The reason I'm paying so close attention to the World Cup this time is that I had never before noticed how hot the players are and how lovely they look running up and down the field in those shorts. It all started because I wanted to watch hot piece of ass and new Armani model, Cristiano Ronaldo in action and noticed that he wasn't the only hottie on the playing field. I couldn't make a decision on which team to root for because I just couldn't keep track of which team had the highest amount of hot guys and thus Aldo's Hottness Scoring System (TM) was created.

The AHS System takes into account each player's "Fuckability Factor" and rates them on a scale of 0-3.

0 - No, thank you.
1 - I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
2 - Yes, please!
3 - I would throw my momma from a moving train to hit that.

Each team's score is then added up and a winner is chosen. Each player is mainly scored on face, thanks to the team lisintgs on the FIFA website. If a score cannot be immediately determined other factors such as height, age and in rare events, Google image searches, are brought in to make a decision. It's a purely subjective scoring system based on my own personal preferences but so far the AHS System is about 70% correct on a game by game basis.

The majority of the players are ranking in 0's and 1's, several 2's, especially in Spain and so far only 2 players have received the ultimate scores of 3's. Cristiano Ronaldo received a 3 because well, God damn have you seen him?

And most importantly Carlos Bocanegra, captain of the US team received a 3.

Carlos Bocanegra received a 3 so quickly that I actually debated opening up the score all the way up to a 5. He is my new boo. Somewhere out there Channing Tatum is sad and can't figure out why.

If a team has a player that scores a 3, then it can throw off the AHS rankings even though the opposing team came in with a higher overall number. Case in point, the England vs. USA game. England came in with an overall AHS score of 15 to USA's 12, however the fact that Carlos Bocanegra is my ideal man threw it off balance and I could not choose who to root for. The game resulted in a tie, thus proving that the AHS system works.

Never before have I been so fully invested in any sporting event. If I'd had a regular Mexican dad I'm sure he'd be beaming with pride right now because his son finally fulfilled his stereotype and was glued to the television watching futbol. My uncles and I would finally have something to talk about that didn't involve the weather or why I'm not married yet. Granted, I wouldn't tell them how exactly I chose who to root for but when it came down to game time, we'd be side by side, screaming and cheering at the TV, listening to the vuvuzuelas and drinking Miller Lite Tallboys with Carlos Bocanegra on the can. We'd all be smiling, myself for a completely different set of reasons.

Olé-olé-olé-oléééé indeed.

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And finally, if anyone finds these Miller Lite cans with my boo on them, I want 4. I'm not kidding.