Tag Archive for Twilight

Breaking Dawn – The Gay Vampire Movie Part 4, Part 1

December 5, 2011 Uncategorized

I was already buzzed off at least 3 shots of Belvedere by the time the previews started. Plus however much vodka I added into my Cherry Coke and that still wasn’t enough to make the latest installment in the Twilight movies tolerable. Turrible isn’t even enough to describe this movie, mostly because NOTHING HAPPENED. I give you Breaking Dawn – A movie review in 4 parts.

Part I – In Which Bella Still Doesn’t Smile but with Nicer Hair
Once again we find Bella spending the majority of the movie looking pasty-faced and mopey. I will give it to the hair and makeup department of the movie though, they seem to have read my review of the last movie and given Kristen Stewart either a more believable wig or sprung for some high-end extensions ’cause let’s keep it real, that hair looked way too luxurious to really be Kristen Stewart’s natural locks. That hair looked like it belonged on a Fería commercial more than it did on Bella’s head.

Part II – In Which The Wolf Pack Refuses to Take Off Their Clothes
The only time in the entire movie where we see Jacob without a shirt is in the first 3 minutes of the movie. After that he selfishly remains clothed the entire time. He changes into a wolf and his clothes rip off about half a dozen times but he never changes back on camera. The producers of this movie made me almost throw up my lunch several times by showing me a shirtless Robert Patinson but they couldn’t throw me a boner by giving me more shirtless Lautner to counteract the sick feeling in my stomach? I call shenanigans. It’s such a shame too, because Taylor Lautner finally seems to have grown into his Cro-Magnon features. His forehead and nose really seemed to fit on his face better.

Part III – In Which There Is Finally Penetration
The big storyline for this movie was the wedding of Edward and Bella and more importantly the fact that after over 2000 pages the homosexual, sparkly vampire and the pasty-faced crybaby were finally going to be able to do it. Walking down the aisle Bella was crying and looked like she was in pain. It’s ok, girl. If I were about to marry a scrawny assed, sparkly vampire with yellow teeth I’d be crying too. Later on during the honeymoon in Brazil, she’s crying again, presumably because she’s about to be penetrated by that pasty English dick and it’s the only dick she’s ever going to get.

The sex is supposed to be so intense that Edward breaks the bed. More than likely it was shoddy Brazilian craftsmanship that caused the bed to break. The next morning Bella is once again crying and bruised up. “Why can’t you see how happy I am?” she asks him. Probably because you’re crying, bruised up, have the acting skills of a statue and your face always looks unhappy, bitch.

Of course, like so many Christian girls that save their virginity until the day they get drunk off 3 Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers and do it in the backseat of their boyfriend’s parent’s car, she gets pregnant the first time out of the gate, and proceeds to spend the rest of the movie looking like she’s dying of SuperAIDS because her demon-spawn is eating her from the inside out and can only be satiated by blood drank through a straw from a Styrofoam cup. Why the Cullens, who live in a fucking mansion and drive BMW’s have a Styrofoam cup just lying around their kitchen is beyond me.

Part IV – In Which Other Stuff Happens but I Don’t Care Because I’ve Run Out of Vodka
There was not enough vodka in my water bottle to keep me interested in this movie. Bella cries some more. Edward talks about his love for Bella and how if the demon-spawn kills her he won’t be able to live on. Bella awkwardly tells Jacob how much she cares for him while staying with Edward. The other vampires fight there werewolves who still refuse to take off their clothes. Then the demon spawn is born and actually looks cute and manages to do the one thing that I’ve been hoping would happen since I got 10 pages into the first book, the baby done killed Bella. But then they turn her into a vampire and her hair becomes even more luxurious.

End of Part 1.

If anything, these movies have taught me that Stephenie Meyers is a genius. She went after an untapped market with tons of disposable dollars – Lonely, Single Bitches. I’ve decided that for the next and final installment I’m going to attend a midnight showing, dressed in my Harry Potter outfit and interview some of these lonely, single bitches. If I’m lucky I’ll find someone who has a tattoo just like this one.

Eclipse – The Gay Vampire Movie

July 8, 2010 Uncategorized

I’d mentally prepared myself for it this time. I had a game plan and was sticking to it. I went up to the ticket counter and asked for “one for the gay vampire movie”. (I actually asked for it that way. I have witnesses.) I’d read the first book, saw the first movie and hated them both. I attempted to read the second book, listen to the audio version and just gave up. I’d seen New Moon two weeks prior and spent the majority of the time checking on my friends’ Facebook statuses or playing with my niece. This night I walked in to the theater with a water bottle carrying tequila and was going to have a good time watching the latest Twilight installment, “Eclipse”. I’d gone in with the mindset of “I’m solely going to judge and have a good time doing it.”

4 shots of Patron Silver couldn’t make that movie interesting for me. The movie was a new form of terrible – it was turrible.

I would like my money back. No, for real. I want my $9. I don’t want them from the movie theater, studio execs or the cast. I want my $9 to come from the person who was responsible for the horrible choice in wigs for the movie. Come on. The Twilight movies have made damn near a babillion dollars and you couldn’t spring for a better wig for Bella? I get that Kristen Stewart chopped all her hair off to film “The Runaways” with Dakota Fanning so that film could go and make $16.75 but you could have done a better job of choosing a wig for her. Why didn’t you talk to anyone involved with the making of Chris Rock’s “Good Hair”? They could’ve helped you out. That hairline of hers wasn’t the slightest bit believable and I couldn’t help but stare at it the entire film. I’d sooner believe that a gay vampire, a ‘roided up werewolf and a portion of the Forks high school male population were fighting over her pasty-white emo ass than that that was her natural hair. Bella and her horrible wig spent the entire movie just like the previous two installments. Mopey faced, crying about how much she loves Edward and how her entire existence was solely to pine over his melanin-deprived bony ass. Alright already. We get it.

The only part where I was remotely interested in the movie was when Edward and Jacob are in the tent talking to each other while Bella is sleeping. I thought the movie makers were going to throw in a twist and we’d be watching some Brokeback Mountain action go down but alas, all they did was talk about how they loved Ms. I’m-incapable-of-smiling-like-a-human-being-even-in-real-life.

Several people have told me that I should focus on Taylor Lautner and his chiseled abs to help get me through the movie. (Now that he’s of legal age I can feel free to comment on his body. Justin Bieber, I’ll talk to you on March 1, 2012) Yes, Taylor Lautner makes me want to go old-school and wash my laundry by hand – on his abs but, that caveman face of his just ruins it for me. Granted, he seems to have grown into his forehead a bit since he filmed New Moon but he hasn’t fully lost that cro-magnon look about him. Yes, his abs are to die for and I’d gladly lick whipped cream off of them given half a chance. But guess what? Without even trying I can name 37 men who competed in the World Cup off whose abs I’d also like to eat various foods. And at least in the World Cup if a referee makes a bad call somebody gets fucked.

More than I can say goes down in Twilight.

Oh the Shame

October 13, 2009 Book Club, for shame, Twilight

So I’m reading Twilight as part of a book club and just to see what all the fuss was about. Never in my days have I ever read a book with such shame. Hiding it under my arm as I go to lunch, putting my water bottle in front of it while I’m reading at the table, the lengths I’ve gone to in order to hide what I’m reading are astounding. I even considered paper-bag covering it a la 5th grade but no one really gives paper bags anymore since we’ve all gone “green” and take in our reusable bags. 


What’s worse is that I know they won’t be having “the sex” in this book. Apparently if they do, Bella will die or become a vampire or realize she’s with a moody douche, leave him and go get a spray tan or something. Halfway into it I remembered that it was written by a Mormon woman and aimed at 13 year old girls. This explained the plot and led me to the realization that when I finish this book I’ll be left with literary blue balls. You teased me enough to keep me interested for nearly 500 pages but aren’t going to give me the big finish.