Eclipse – The Gay Vampire Movie

I'd mentally prepared myself for it this time. I had a game plan and was sticking to it. I went up to the ticket counter and asked for "one for the gay vampire movie". (I actually asked for it that way. I have witnesses.) I'd read the first book, saw the first movie and hated them both. I attempted to read the second book, listen to the audio version and just gave up. I'd seen New Moon two weeks prior and spent the majority of the time checking on my friends' Facebook statuses or playing with my niece. This night I walked in to the theater with a water bottle carrying tequila and was going to have a good time watching the latest Twilight installment, "Eclipse". I'd gone in with the mindset of "I'm solely going to judge and have a good time doing it."

4 shots of Patron Silver couldn't make that movie interesting for me. The movie was a new form of terrible - it was turrible.

I would like my money back. No, for real. I want my $9. I don't want them from the movie theater, studio execs or the cast. I want my $9 to come from the person who was responsible for the horrible choice in wigs for the movie. Come on. The Twilight movies have made damn near a babillion dollars and you couldn't spring for a better wig for Bella? I get that Kristen Stewart chopped all her hair off to film "The Runaways" with Dakota Fanning so that film could go and make $16.75 but you could have done a better job of choosing a wig for her. Why didn't you talk to anyone involved with the making of Chris Rock's "Good Hair"? They could've helped you out. That hairline of hers wasn't the slightest bit believable and I couldn't help but stare at it the entire film. I'd sooner believe that a gay vampire, a 'roided up werewolf and a portion of the Forks high school male population were fighting over her pasty-white emo ass than that that was her natural hair. Bella and her horrible wig spent the entire movie just like the previous two installments. Mopey faced, crying about how much she loves Edward and how her entire existence was solely to pine over his melanin-deprived bony ass. Alright already. We get it.

The only part where I was remotely interested in the movie was when Edward and Jacob are in the tent talking to each other while Bella is sleeping. I thought the movie makers were going to throw in a twist and we'd be watching some Brokeback Mountain action go down but alas, all they did was talk about how they loved Ms. I'm-incapable-of-smiling-like-a-human-being-even-in-real-life.

Several people have told me that I should focus on Taylor Lautner and his chiseled abs to help get me through the movie. (Now that he's of legal age I can feel free to comment on his body. Justin Bieber, I'll talk to you on March 1, 2012) Yes, Taylor Lautner makes me want to go old-school and wash my laundry by hand - on his abs but, that caveman face of his just ruins it for me. Granted, he seems to have grown into his forehead a bit since he filmed New Moon but he hasn't fully lost that cro-magnon look about him. Yes, his abs are to die for and I'd gladly lick whipped cream off of them given half a chance. But guess what? Without even trying I can name 37 men who competed in the World Cup off whose abs I'd also like to eat various foods. And at least in the World Cup if a referee makes a bad call somebody gets fucked.

More than I can say goes down in Twilight.